Men Don't Listen and Wayne L. Misner 2016©    

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Dieting©

(By Wayne L. Misner www.MenDontListen.com, MenDontListen@aol.com 732-548-4633)


  I decided that I wanted to lose weight. Somehow over the years I had gained too much. My driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." My eating habits were really bad; I was putting mayonnaise on an aspirin. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


 Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I was replacing the refrigerator light bulb. I was reaching into the appliance to the back wall. While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Dad,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”


 My doctor gave me some good advice-stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. I knew my clothes didn’t fit and I was tired all the time. I would try to do a few push ups and discovered that certain body parts refused to leave the floor....


 I researched some of the available diets, there was:

The Garlic Diet: You don't lose weight; you just look thinner because people stay at a long distance.

There’s the Hollywood’s favorite diet: Starvation.

There’s the Atkins diet-You eat meat not for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days,                   

                    but for a month — until you loathe it.

  There’s the Pasta Diet! Italians have been using it for centuries. Here are the few simple steps:

     You walka pasta da bakery-You walka pasta da candy store-You walka pasta  da Ice Cream shop-You walka pasta da table and fridge.



 There’s the Weight Watchers: Where, when shopping at the supermarket, you skip the most tempting  food which is in aisles one, two, three, four and five, six, seven………..."

There’s the Stillman water diet: where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom.


Studies show that most people gain weight in certain places: Like bakeries, pizza parlors, and ice cream shops. I weigh myself fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes and before breakfast, because it seems I lose weight overnight!


I joined the health club last year, spent about $400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. My Personal Trainer Valeria told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?" I have found that every time I start thinking too much about how I look, if I can find a Happy Hour somewhere by the time I leave, I look just fine.


Being heavy made my ex wife divorce me. We were lying in bed and my ex rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on my chest. “Honey,” she said, “if I died would you get married again?” I said, “Never, my dear.” She said, “I’m sure you would.” I said, “Okay, I would” “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” my ex asked. I replied, “I suppose so.” Then she asked, “Would you let her wear my clothes?” “No I said, “She’s much thinner then you.”


So I leave you with this bit of wisdom: The 2nd day of a diet will always be easier than the 1st. By the 2nd day you're off it.