By Wayne L. Misner
I must thank all of you for participating in filling out the questionnaire.
Second, I must thank Dr. Irene Matiatos for granting permission to use her web
site www.DrIrene.com. Also, she gets
credit for programming the questionnaire and helping me with designing it. I
compliment all of you for candid answers, which I must believe were painful for
many of you. I believe everyone was very honest with their answers. If
you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be honest
with you? Great job!
It's very possible the questionnaire can be skewed in various ways. For a number of
reasons more women have filled out the form. It’s possible that men who
have been abused may be too embarrassed to admit it. Mirroring the old joke of
men not asking for directions, it seems they don’t ask for help either. I must
give credit to all of you who were willing to admit you were, or are abusers.
The first step of “The
Twelve Steps of Domestic Violence Anonymous (VA)”, which I wrote for this article is, “We believe that we have abused and hurt those we love.”
Facing the fact you have been the abuser, and admitting it to not only yourself,
but to others, starts you on the path to change and become
accountable to your friends and family.
Domestic abuse is a reality.
Being disrespectful, verbal abuse and violent behavior are part of many
families and partnerships. Domestic violence, unfortunately, is not just men
being violent. The Department of Justice (6)
reports that every 37.8 seconds a man is battered somewhere in the
states, “Children between the ages of 3 and 17 are the most violent. 20% of this
age group actually abuses their parents. One quarter of all murders are
committed by teenagers. 25% of young males have carried a weapon at least one
day in the last month.”
Those that are/were abused,
women, men, and children as well as those that witness abuse (which usually are
small children), have damage that is long-lasting. The men and women (and children) who are abusers
must acknowledge that their behavior is
wrong. In some cases it is illegal, and if police are involved, they may lock up
the abuser with or without the victim agreeing.
may not add up to 100% because of rounding. Total counts may differ because all
questions were not answered on all questionnaires.
did not correct spelling or grammar on any of the comments submitted.
the answers from the
breakdown of the 100.00% who answered:
The abuser =
abuse or violence is between partners or any family members. It may be yelling,
arguing between siblings, the abuse of an older family member(s), abuse of a
friend, forced sex by a significant other, physical or emotional abuse of a
child, and any type of violence among same sex partners. I
witnessed a father yelling at his son who could not have been more than seven
years old. As the father was
yelling, the little boy actually started shaking with fear and wetting his
pants. This father saw the child
shaking and was shocked. He stopped. How sad he can see the results in a little
boy but can not see that his behavior does the same thing to his significant
other. This episode happened with the father, but it could just as well could
have been with the mother; the results would be the same.
one ever deserves to be abused.
Abuse is one method used for control. In reality it is a disorder of power as
well. The purpose of abuse is to control the behavior of another person. It is
very difficult for some abusers to admit not only to you but to themselves that
they are abusers. Some are in a form of denial, and others believe they have a
problem but don’t need or trust anyone. They believe they can fix the problem
themselves so will not go to counseling,
psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. They may be so insecure or afraid of what
they will learn about themselves that they don’t want to face it!
of -- My question? = My
question can be for any one of the following or a combination of them. It can be
a composite of all these many areas:
You and I as the readers of
the answers must interpret the answers given and I will ask My
question when the answers don’t seem to fit.
What it is NOT
-- it is not about assigning blame!
breakdown of the 100.00% who answered: (More
abused answered the questionnaire from both groups.)
The breakdown of the 96.96% who answered:
0.29% did not answer this question.
breakdown of the 99.51% who answered:
years old or less 1.18%
did not answer this question.
Do you feel that it is possible that your
Intelligence Quotient (IQ) grew to adulthood, but your
breakdown of the 99.90% who answered:
did not answer this question.
you feel your EQ was stunted, at what age do you think you are stuck?
of those who answered “True”
breakdown of the 61.08% who answered:
did not answer this question.
Goleman Ph.D. is the author of Emotional Intelligence NY:Bantam Books
(1995). Goleman’s point that Emotional Quotient includes self-awareness and
impulse control, persistence, zeal and self motivation, empathy and social
deftness has been accepted in many areas with today’s healthcare
John Grohol’s Psych Central web site (11) he states, John D. Mayer
and Peter Salovey introduced the term to psychology in a series of papers. They
suggested that the capacity to perceive and understand emotions defined a new
intelligence. The Mayer-Salovey model defines emotional intelligence as the
capacity to understand emotional information and to reason with emotions. More
specifically, they divide emotional intelligence abilities into four areas in
their four-branch model:
The capacity to accurately perceive
The capacity to use emotions to
The capacity to understand
The capacity to manage emotions
Goleman divides up emotional intelligence into the following five emotional
To identify and name one's
emotional states and to understand the link between emotions, thought and action
To manage one's emotional states
— to control emotions or to shift undesirable emotional states to more
To enter into emotional states
associated with a drive to achieve and be successful
To read, be sensitive to and
influence other people's emotions
To enter and sustain satisfactory
help: Counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists are helping those with
difficulty with low Emotional Quotient (EQ). Our emotions help us to decide how
much importance to put on each piece of data we process with our feelings. Some
people don’t know how they feel at times; others may misinterpret what they
think they are feeling. With the help of a professional each feeling can be
discussed and how the person reacts or wants to react. It is imperative that
people have the ability to look closely at how and why they make the decisions
they make. Those that go into some form of counseling continually improve their
E.Q. Although improvement depends a lot on where you’re starting from and how
long you are willing to work on it.
Do you find yourself trying to control or influence your partner?
0.59% did not answer
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